Money is one of the most common sources of conflict for couples. A recent survey revealed that 73% of people said money caused stress in their relationship. As comedian Chris Rock says, ‘If you haven’t fought about money, are you even married?’
And money counts double during divorce. One of America’s top attorneys describes clients who tell her their kids are the most important thing, then immediately whip out their financial statements and start insisting on what they’ll get or give.
Let’s be honest: money matters. It puts food on the table and allows you to take care of the people you love. And whether we like to admit it or not, it influences how much status and respect we get from others.
But it can also trip us up.
A wildly popular recent book—60 million copies and counting—dives into the psychology of money: what it means, what it symbolizes, and how we feel about it. The takeaway? Money is emotional. It has a dark side. And can fuel the worst in us: greed, fear, and entitlement.
Monks, Millionaires and You
No one can escape the influence of money. Even those who take a vow of poverty and live off the land do so because of what they fear money represents—inequality, stress, and environmental damage.
At the other extreme, those who chase wealth often put luxuries and social status over their own health and happiness. When asked how much money was enough, J.D. Rockefeller allegedly replied, ‘Just one more dollar’.
Most of us aren’t monks or millionaires. Yet, nearly 75% of us think we’d be happier if we had more money. In other words, you’re probably not immune to money’s pull—and neither is your partner or prospective partner.
Big Questions
Where does that leave you? With some serious questions to tackle together: Should you save for the future or live for today? Should you share a bank account or keep things separate? Should everything be split 50/50 or in proportion to income? If you get a bonus, can you treat yourself and does your partner get a say? If you have kids, does the higher earner automatically keep their career while the other becomes the default parent?
These conversations won’t be easy. Your attitudes towards money are deeply embedded and shaped by your upbringing. Maybe you grew up without certain things because your parents couldn’t afford them or didn’t approve. Perhaps you watched them struggle and work multiple jobs. Or did they rack up debt and lease cars they couldn’t afford?
The Stress in America survey finds that 77% of families experience financial problems and that this has a strong impact on children. That’s a lot of us bringing a lot of baggage to our current-day relationships.
What Money Can and Can’t Buy
Money brings real benefits: a comfortable home, better healthcare, travel, and the ability to provide for loved ones. Most of us want a certain level of material comfort, and yes, we want a partner with financial prospects too. As the old joke goes, a wealthy man is one who earns $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband.
But don’t take that too far. Just as money can’t buy love, it can’t buy happiness either. For example, a 2010 study found that happiness stops increasing once you make $75,000 a year. More recent studies actually do find an ongoing link between money and happiness, but nevertheless conclude that it has nothing to do with being able to buy more stuff. Instead, money contributes to feeling more in control of life. Summing up the findings, one of the researchers said, “Money is just one small part of the overall equation for happiness.”
More money certainly doesn’t eliminate arguments or guarantee a stress-free relationship. In reality, financial disagreements affect couples across all income brackets. For some of us, the arguments are about deposits for a first flat. For others, about school fees. For others about investment decisions. Celebrity shrink Phil Stutz points out that after you’re done flying first-class, the problems are often exactly the same.
The hunger for status, like any appetite, has its uses: it can push us to make the most of our talents, strive for excellence, and avoid being lazy. But, like any appetite, it can become destructive. Especially when ‘wealth-porn’ is everywhere—fueling our envy and inflating our expectations.
But the truth is, you don’t need a $1,000 cashmere baseball cap or a wardrobe full of designer clothing. Hedonistic adaptation teaches us that even if you do put down a quarter mil for the Maybach truck, it will provide only fleeting happiness.
Relationships Essential Reads
The Bottom Line
Figure out what money really means to you, be honest about it, and talk to your partner—current or future. If you sweep it under the carpet, it’ll trip you up.
The goal isn’t to agree on everything—just to be on the same page. You can compromise on the rest, just as you do with other aspects of your relationship. It’s not about being right or wrong—but whether your values line up.
Be realistic too. If you really are looking for a man in finance, be prepared for grueling hours, interruptions at the weekend, and disrupted holidays.
In the end, fulfillment comes from good health, satisfying relationships, meaningful work, and connection to the natural world—not from expensive watches, designer clothes or flying first-class. Money will solve your money problems, but that’s it. The trick is finding a shared sense of ‘enough’ and then focusing on what’s truly important to you both.
